Be With Yourself
BFNow Self-Study Module 1 - Exploration 5
[This is part of BFNow Self-Study Module 1: Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion. For more about the overall Self-Study program, please look at About BFNow Self-Study and BFNow Self-Study Orientation.]
If you haven’t done so already, let me encourage you to pause, relax and release, perhaps with a big stretch.
Time to pull together this week’s threads.
I’d like to start with some thoughts on self-compassion, inspired by Kristin Neff at self-compassion.org. She describes self-compassion in terms of three elements:
Self-kindness, as we have been doing with the Inner Smile and turning toward, being with, listening and acting from the present. All forms of self-kindness are “low-hanging fruit” for Optimal Zone hygiene.
Common humanity, recognizing that human life includes suffering.
Mindfulness, an ability to allow and witness feelings without either suppressing or exaggerating/over-identifying with them.
She also points out three things self-compassion is not:
Self-pity, which emphasizes a sense of separation, self-absorption and a loss of perspective. Self-compassion affirms your connection to all of humanity and, through that, offers a sense of perspective.
Self-indulgence, which emphasizes short-term pleasures and ignores consequences. Self-compassion moves us back into our Optimal Zone and connects us to a larger perspective so we can truly move forward.
Self-esteem, which can carry an evaluation of how well we are doing relative to some standard of success. In contrast, we all deserve compassion by virtue of our humanity and regardless of our circumstances.
I encourage you to carry this sense of self-compassion into today’s experiential.
Preparation
Choose a place with a mirror (like a bathroom or a bedroom) where you can be undisturbed for at least 15 minutes.
Tape your list or mind map of sub-personalities at the side of the mirror. (Print out or redraw the list if you haven’t yet.)
If, like many people, you are unhappy or critical about how you look, note that but for this experiential do as best you can to set that self-judgement aside. This is an exploration of who you are that is intended to go way beyond simply how you look.
Experiential
Look at yourself in the mirror and gently smile to yourself. Feel yourself emotionally turning toward yourself and being with yourself – with kindness.
Move your attention back and forth from your list of sub-personalities to your face in the mirror. Bring a sense of self-compassion to the person you see, both in the mirror and in your list
Take in and appreciate your complexity.
Be aware of what feels nourishing and what feel uncomfortable about being with yourself in this way.
Spend 5 to 10 minutes. Allow and observe all the feelings that come up. If you drift away from your gentle smile, bring yourself back kindly, without self-judgment.
When you feel complete, appreciate yourself for doing this and close with a few deep breaths.
What was your experience like? Make some notes in your journal as your reflect on your experience.
At least two times during the day, recall and be with this appreciative sense of your complex wholeness.
At the end of the day, make some notes about today’s experiential and then reflect on the journey of the week.
If you have questions or comments, please post them here.
Thanks,
Robert
[Link back to the Module 1: Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion Overview page.]
PS – Who Am I?
One of the questions that frequently comes up is who am I beyond or in the center of all these sub-personalities? That’s a big philosophical and spiritual question with a long history. The approach in BFNow is to focus on your Optimal Zone adult, which has Inner Child qualities blended with maturity and wisdom. It’s more than The Witness (although it is capable of clear seeing/witnessing) because it has agency. It’s what you experience when you aren’t operating through a psychological defense. Barbara Brennan (and before Brennan, Pathwork) calls this the Undefended Self – a term I found shocking when I first encountered it but I get it now. Internal Family Systems just calls it the Self. It’s the state where you feel the eight “c” words: curiosity, calm, clarity, connectedness, confidence, courage, creativity, and compassion.
Whatever term is used, for me the key is “what you experience when you aren’t operating through a psychological defense.” Most people have some experience of this under the right conditions, such as out in nature. It’s part of our birthright that more needs to be unobstructed rather than learned. The challenge is to keep expanding the contexts in which you can function as your Optimal Zone adult.
As support for being your Optimal Zone adult more often, I’ll again encourage you to print out the eight “c” words (if you haven’t already) and post them in one or more place where you will see them often as a gentle reminder.
curiosity
calm
clarity
connectedness
confidence
courage
creativity
compassion