Love Them, Live Them
BFNow Self-Study Module 1 - Exploration 4
[This is part of BFNow Self-Study Module 1: Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion. For more about the overall Self-Study program, please look at About BFNow Self-Study and BFNow Self-Study Orientation.]
If you haven’t done so already, let me encourage you to pause, relax and release, perhaps with three deep breaths.
At the end of the Sub-Personalities experiential (Exploration 2), I encouraged you to speak your list and in the process, “Name them and claim them.” That’s the start of a saying that often gets applied to sub-personalities. The full version is, “Name them, claim them, tame them, aim them.” The tame and aim parts feel a bit too Empire to me. I’d rather suggest that you “Name them, claim them, love them, live them.”
Sounds good, but operationally, what does it mean to “love them”? After all, some of them may feel anything but lovable!
Love is one of those words that means a lot of different things to different people. In everyday language it gets used to convey a strong positive reaction, more intense than just like, as in “I loved that movie!” Yet love also gets used in a proactive way as in, “Her loving kindness helped the child settle down.” It is this proactive form of love that I mean when I say, “love them.”
That’s some help but it still doesn’t give much operational guidance, so I’d like to turn to some of the wisdom from couples work and suggest there is a lot of potential for healing among your sub-personalities (as well as between people) from the four following steps:
Turn towards with good will
When there is tension or even a break in a relationship, the first step toward healing is for someone to find the heart, the coeur-age, to turn, inwardly at first, toward the other with good will. I want to acknowledge that turning toward is not always appropriate. Sometimes a situation is actually dangerous, or at least too intense, and wise self-care requires leaving or at least stepping back. Yet eventually, if there is to be a healing, there needs to be a turning towards. (See the attached image for inspiration.)
Be with
The next step is to be fully present with the other, including their aspects that distress you. Rather than being overcome by distress and urgency, settle your distress in the resilience of your optimal zone. Simply being with another in this way can be a great gift of healing for both of you.
Listen with empathy
Now that you are connected and your distress is not dominating you, experience the other’s world from their point of view. Set aside your own defensiveness and empathize. Throw away the “noise” and listen to their “signal.”
Act from your Optimal Zone
Every situation that involves proactive love is different. Some situations call for immediate practical action to alleviate physical suffering. In others, the simple act of being present and listening is all that’s needed. The key in each situation is to act based on the true needs of the whole in the present and avoid acting to relieve your own distress or through the lens of your own past trauma.
Experiential
With this as background, I’d like you to do a bit of inner conversation for today’s experiential. Your currently active sub-personality is going to get to practice turning toward, being with, listening with empathy and acting from your Optimal Zone:
Choose another sub-personality that you (in your current sub-personality) aren’t fully happy with but one that you’re willing to turn towards. It could be one on your list or it could be one of your annoying-other-people-as-sub-personalities. The main thing is to choose a relationship where there is some real charge but also willingness.
In your imagination, turn toward this other with as much good will as you can muster and then spend a little while simply being with. Take a few deep breaths and do as best you can to see them with fresh eyes in the present.
Imagine this other speaking to you with the intent to help you understand their point of view. Listen as fully and non-defensively as you can. You don’t have to agree, just empathetically understand.
Look for a higher level synthesis, perhaps a reframe, where the needs and desires of both you (in your current sub-personality) and this other can be better met. Ask yourself what serves the whole in the present. Speak (internally or out loud) to the other from this perspective. If there are compassionate actions or commitments you feel moved to make, make them.
Allow this conversation to continue until it feels complete.
Has this shifted your internal relationship with this other sub-personality? If so, how? Use your journal to capture any highlights from this experience.
Carry the four steps (in bold above) into your day and look for opportunities for other sub-personalities to practice turning toward, being with, listening with empathy and acting from your Optimal Zone. Add some notes to your journal in the evening.
Name them, claim them, love them, live them.
If you have questions or comments, please post them here.
Thanks,
Robert
[Link back to the Module 1: Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion Overview page.]
PS. If your sub-personality list or mind map is in electronic form, print out a copy in preparation for tomorrow. Make the font size large enough so that you can read the list from 3 feet away. Use multiple pages if need be. If your list or mind map is hand drawn, check to see that you can read it from 3 feet away and if not, redo it with larger letters.
The attach image is of the sculpture by Ukrainian sculptor Alexandr Milov called Love from Burning Man 2015:
